I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think my fart just growled at me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
