even my farts smell like vagina
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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