um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
