if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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