Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
