I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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