he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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