Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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