I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
being pregnant is like rehab
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
