Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
