Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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