you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
