I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
