you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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