Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
