He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
