i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
