Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
