i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
