After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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