It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
