Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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