My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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