how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
