i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
