Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
