Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
