OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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