my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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