tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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