If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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