I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
