No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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