Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
