I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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