mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
