why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
