my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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