And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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