dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
