I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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