Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
