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my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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