Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
