even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
