so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
