I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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