standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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