where am i from again
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
