Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please don't give away my fajitas
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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