Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.