I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
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You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
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Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.