I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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