the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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