so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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