If i come over, it means nothing
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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