You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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