I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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