That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
