I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
