So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
